Clingy and Overly Dependent Baby — A Deep Misunderstanding of Our Mammalian Nature and Ignorance of the Attachment Parenting Theory
Attachment parenting: what exactly is it and why are we only just starting to hear about it in a positive light?
Babies are attached to their mothers, this is no surprise, however, encouraging clingy baby behaviour has continuously been opposed with interventions that aim to create resilience. Parents often ask worrying questions in social media groups like: “My baby doesn’t want anyone else except me to carry him, what should I do?” Experienced parents give advice on how they reduced the clingy nature of the child.
What mothers need to know is, there is nothing wrong with babies who cling heavily to their mothers and who appear to be deeply attached to their mothers. The opposing idea is commonly promoted by parents and even many professionals.
That’s why so often we see advice on how to increase the baby’s independence or for the baby to “self-soothe”. However, if we come to think of this approach, this exhibits a deep misunderstanding of nature as mammals and ignorance of the theory of attachment.
Grazia Attili, a Social Psychology Professor and author of book Attachement et théorie de l’esprit (Attachment and Theory of Mind), describes the Theory of Attachment in detail and explains that a baby’s tendency to have an emotional bond with a specific figure (most of the time, the baby’s mother) is innate and instinctive.
Actions like crying, getting close and moving towards a specific parent can be considered as innate and natural behavior for infants. By doing so, they know that they can manage to call their primary caregiver’s (usually mother) attention or they can keep them to a close distance which is very synonymous with their survival.
“L’enfant est motivé à garder le contact avec sa figure d’attachement car c’est précisément ce contact qui lui permettra de survivre. Il a, par conséquent, besoin de maintenir la proximité avec quelque chose qui, pour les mammifères et les primates, possède les caractéristiques de la mère.”“L’enfant est motivé à garder le contact avec sa figure d’attachement car c’est précisément ce contact qui lui permettra de survivre. Il a, par conséquent, besoin de maintenir la proximité avec quelque chose qui, pour les mammifères et les primates, possède les caractéristiques de la mère.”
“The child is motivated to keep in touch with his attachment figure because it is precisely this contact that will allow him to survive. He therefore needs to maintain proximity to something which, for mammals and primates, has the characteristics of the mother.”
- Grazia Attili
The Stages of Attachment Building in Humans
There are three stages of how attachment or bond between a baby and its primary caregiver (usually the mother because she is the one who often takes care of the child) is formed.
1. From Birth to the End of the Second Month
Here, babies show interest in people around them but do not know how to differentiate and recognize them yet. Attachment behaviors like crying, babbling and contact seeking can be evident during this stage, but these actions are not targeted yet to a specific person around the baby. Also, these are not intentionally produced yet (like calling the primary caregiver’s attention to ensure that help or care will come).
2. From the End of the Second Month to Six/Eight Months
During this stage, orientation and production of a baby’s attachment behaviors appear to be directed towards one or more specific person around them.
Among the people surrounding the baby, he or she begins to choose and identify the people who provide constant and continuous care. The baby usually chooses the one that gives the best care in times of stressful situations.
“Généralement c’est la mère qui va être progressivement fixée et suivie du regard et c’est avec elle que le bébé maintient le contact à travers les signaux tels que les pleurs, les babils, l’agrippement ou le sourire (ce qui est défini comme effet maintien du contact). Le petit commence à avoir un contrôle actif des interactions avec sa figure d’attachement.”
“Generally it is the mother who will be gradually fixed and followed by the gaze and it is with her that the baby maintains contact through signals such as crying, babbling, grasping or smiling (which is defined as a contact maintenance effect). The little one begins to have active control over the interactions with his attachment figure.”
- Grazia Attili
In between the five and seven months, there will be a turning point where the baby accepts comfort in times of physical and emotional stress if it comes from the primary figure of attachment.
However, it should be noted that in this phase, there is no “separation protest” as psychologists say (or in layman’s term a “whim”). The reason for a baby’s cry is he is left alone and not because he anticipates the pain of separation. From a cognitive point-of-view, even though the child has the capacity to mentally anticipate events, the child has not yet mastered the causal relationships existing between events and has not reached the understanding of the “permanence of objects (and people)” that are out of his or her visual field.
3. Between Six/Eight Months and the Start of the Second Year
During this phase, the baby wants to maintain preferential contact with his mother (primary figure of attachment) through locomotion (by means of walking or following) or the use of other signals if this is not available. So what happens is, they usually follow the mother around and cry if the mother is away.
Around eight to nine months, the attachment behaviors are now organized around a specific figure which is most often the mother.
This is explained by the fact that children this age are about to learn to walk and this means they need to hold on to a “safety base” before the start of locomotion because letting them walk gives them the ability to move and therefore making them meet dangers (possibly fatal) along the way.
Evolution doing its job well, brains of infants are organized to have the prerequisites for this to be even possible (moving without the risk of dying knowing that they have attached themselves to someone who will have their backs and someone who can provide them full security).
“Il s’aventure à explorer l’environnement immédiat, commence à utiliser la mère comme base sécure alors que la peur de l’étranger apparaît. Pendant cette phase les comportements d’attachement s’organisent autour d’un adulte spécifique — qui, à partir de ce moment, sera la véritable figure d’attachement — et se structurent en véritable lien d’attachement.”
“He ventures to explore the immediate environment, begins to use the mother as a secure base while the fear of the stranger appears. During this phase, attachment behaviors are organized around a specific adult — who, from this moment, will be the real figure of attachment — and are structured into a real attachment bond.”
- Grazia Attili
Do you have a clingy baby? Grazia Attili’s explanation helped me understand the importance of attachment parenting.
We found this piece interesting, so we translated it for English mothers to enjoy.
Please share this with new mothers to give them confidence in their instincts.
